If you want something, GO GET IT!

By Jakini Kauba

Jakini Kauba

Photo credit: Angela Kerr Photography

I am Jakini Auset Kauba, a first year PhD student in Mathematical Sciences at Clemson University. This is my fifth—and what I hope to be my final—degree. While many doctoral students earn a bachelor’s and a master’s degree before their doctoral studies, I had the bittersweet experience of earning two bachelor’s and two master’s degrees. So this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. I’d like to take a minute, so you just hang tight and I’ll tell you how after three left turns I finally got it right.

I interrupt here to say that this is as far as I can go with the Fresh Prince theme song. 

Left Turn #1: Biological Sciences with a concentration in Human Biology

Like many Disney movies, the great tragedy of my story happens at the beginning. To give a little background, I have always identified as a mathematician. When I spent every weekday after school watching Cyberchase and every summer finishing the math workbooks given to us in school, I knew. When I surpassed my classmates playing “All Around the World” and dominated the multiplication chart before all of my peers, I knew. When I could do mental math faster than my mother (an accountant) and beat the cash register to calculate exact change, I knew. My straight A honor roll, AIG, IB, and AP course enrollments only solidified what I already understood to be true.

So, there I was, a first-year sophomore in mathematics (naturally) at North Carolina State University, one of the biggest engineering schools in the country. Taking Calc III in my first semester with upperclassmen didn’t make me feel anxious, fearful, or out of place. It made me feel proud. I was supposed to be there because I had earned my spot just as they did. I was ready to take on this challenge and further enhance my mathematical knowledge. I passed the class (like all my others) with an A- or an A, I can’t quite remember which. Little did I know, it would be my second semester where I would fall deeper in love with math, just to have my heart broken.

I don’t know what it was about row reductions and matrices, but linear algebra stole my heart. My lowest test grade was a 90, and I just couldn’t believe that higher level math kept getting better with each new topic. Then my mother got sick, and we found ourselves repeatedly in and out of the hospital. I spent a lot of time looking after her as we weren’t very close to our family (at the time). During midterm season, I spent the entire week in the hospital with my mother, sleep deprived. I didn’t want to miss the doctors when they came to check on her during their rounds at 5 in the morning. Therefore, I stayed up with her every day and every night, updating the nurses on her condition. I studied by her side when she slept. 

Well, as I’m sure you could guess, I had a big exam in linear algebra during this time. I knew the material. I studied well—all things considered—but because I hadn’t slept, I wrote down one of the problems incorrectly and didn’t receive any partial credit. Even though my work was correct based on the problem setup I had written, my professor did not give me any credit for this problem, which resulted in me losing an automatic 25 points on a four-question exam. My final grade for the midterm was a 67%, the lowest grade I’d ever received on a math test in my entire life. I was shattered. Everything I thought I knew about myself was completely obliterated by this one grade.

I couldn’t believe it. I begged my professor to understand my situation regarding my mother’s illness. I asked for a second chance to take a different test (on the spot) if necessary, with no time to study. But there was no grace. My professor told me, “This is how it is in math, and it only gets harder. You have to be perfect, or there’s no credit. Your grade is a 67.” Of course, I’m paraphrasing a bit as this was almost ten years ago, but you get the gist. I was heartbroken, crushed. He may as well have ripped my heart out, thrown it into a dumpster, and rolled it down the biggest hill in San Francisco, just to have it all torched by Queen Daenerys' eldest dragon, Drogon.

It was on this day that I decided to break up with math, my first love. She clearly didn’t love me anymore to have let such a thing happen to me, and so I walked away to focus on counseling. Our world is so much bigger than a GPA or “being perfect,” so I decided to focus on a career that would allow me to uplift and encourage others. I wanted to be the person that I needed in that very moment. Since I’m pretty decent in most of the other sciences, I knew that I could not only earn a PhD in counseling but an MD as a psychiatrist. I could earn so much more money! And there you have it, folks. I switched to biological sciences with a concentration in human biology, hoping to become a doctor and never have to think about math ever again.

Left Turn #2: Clinical Mental Health Counseling

To my surprise, I learned during the first semester of my senior year that if you want to be a doctor, you have to do what’s called “rotations.” Essentially, they train you to be well versed in a variety of medical fields before you choose a specialty. Well, guess what? I’m a theoretical scientist, not a practical scientist. I do not feel comfortable cutting people open—people who once had lives and families—nor do I want to dig my hands into places that I don’t think they belong. It’s just not a form of intimacy that I feel is appropriate for me to have with someone without taking them on a few dates first. So, I said to myself, “Well, alright. I guess a PhD in counseling will have to do.” It was settled. I was off to North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University to earn a master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling with a certificate in Marriage and Family Therapy.

Left Turn #3: MATH? REALLY?

Man, oh man, did I love my work as a therapist. I mean, I had the opportunity to serve so many different communities and make such an impact, while also learning of the many systemic issues that so many of our homeless and marginalized communities face every day. Seeing growth in my clients and even in myself was such a blessing! It was a truly rewarding experience. And you guessed it! I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t get past this nagging feeling that something was missing. I wanted that old thang back, and I couldn’t shake the grip that Math once had on my life. I thought, “Man, no one likes math, and here I am missing it!” That’s when I knew. I rewatched Hidden Figures and cried because of the deep regret that “that could’ve been me” or “that should’ve been me” or “that would’ve been me” had I not allowed that one professor to redirect my passion, my dream.

Angry at my 19-year-old self who honestly was doing the best that she could, I set a meeting with the graduate director at UNCG in the department of mathematics, and I asked to take a few math courses to earn a master’s degree. I only had one class left in my master's in counseling, so a few math courses shouldn’t hurt, right? Well, she told me that I didn’t even have a minor and that I would have to take undergraduate courses to fulfill a bachelor’s degree first. Luckily, with my credits from NC State, I could finish the bachelors in two short semesters. So, there I was in the summer of 2019, applying for my third degree program when I hadn’t yet finished my second. I graduated with my MS in counseling in December of 2019 after finishing that final class and again in May 2020 after finishing all requirements for the BA in mathematics. If you’re still with me here, then you’ll realize that I was at two universities working on two separate degrees during that fall semester of 2019. Yes, yes: I am crazy indeed!

Well, after this insane experience, would you believe it? I was happy. I was finally content with my studies again and excited to keep it going. I stayed at UNCG and finished my master's in 2022 after defending my thesis, “An Analysis of Racial Segregation Using Topological Data Analysis.” I then attended the first of a two-part summer workshop at the Institute for Computational and Experimental Research in Mathematics (ICERM) this summer and, well, the rest is history. I’m at Clemson now in a PhD program and thriving in the best possible way, shaping my identity around social justice issues to help make our world a better place. If you’ve made it this far, I want to thank you for reading my story and remind you that we are always living someone else’s dream. If you want something, GO GET IT! It’s okay if you didn’t have a yellow brick road to guide you to your dreams. Your aspirations are worth taking the road less traveled.

- Jakini Auset Kauba, BA, BS, MA, MS, LCMHCA, NCC, PhD loading…